Two Little Things That Piss Me Off Constantly

1. How people at the Village have no manners: I know that I was raised by people who are familiar with Emily Post (who? what?), and that in this day and age no one cares about proper dessert fork placement or how to consume the remainder of your soup when there’s not enough to collect in your spoon, but simple manners should still be applicable.  For instance, there’s that rule about how if you are walking along with something–say, a shopping cart–and you see that there is a person who is not immediately in your path of travel, you do not normally go out of your way to hit this person with your cart.  This has happened to me at least four times.  I literally would be standing there looking at too-large cardigans, a woman would come along with her cart, and there would be enough room–more than enough room in the aisle–and instead of going through the pathway, she’d try to go through me.  This isn’t Ghost you moron!  Like I don’t know if the vast amount of cheap used goods makes people go completely crazy and lose their sense of surroundings in the real world, but you should at least recognize the fact that you’ve just hit someone with your cart.  Which brings me to the fact that people at the Village do not notice it when they hit you with large metal objects, when they step on you, when they push you, or when their three-year-old kid rams his toy truck into you.  They don’t give a shit, apparently.  Maybe they think believe that humankind is embraced in an epic relationship of unconditional love which would therefore mean you never have to say you’re sorry, or thank you, or please, or excuse me.  Maybe I’m just a total idiot and I shouldn’t hold doors open for people, or dispense extra towels for the next person behind me–maybe I should push my way past people at Blockbuster and go for the movie that they themselves are looking at.  Which leads me to: Story.  When I was about seven my mother and I decided to go to the Boxing Day sale at the JC Penney’s at Potomac Mills.  They were having something like 50% off all the toys, and I’d wanted this Barbie set of the whole family slacked up in wintergear and piled on a sled for some time, but my mom had told me to wait until after Christmas, to wait for this sale.  As someone who’d spent the past few months dodging the greedy, grubby hands of Beanie Baby snatchers across the county, I was particularly familiar with not only the advantage being small kept, but also the fact that if I wasn’t careful, I could be kicked, clawed, or even bitten.  But I couldn’t have been prepared enough for what came when they opened the doors to JC Penney that morning at seven o’clock: a stampede of overweight mothers and their smoky husbands, pushing me forward and down with limbs flailing at me and over me, because of my height (think: mosh pit).  What kind of mindless, heartless adult would do this to a seven yeard old kid just for a couple of half-priced toys?–you see, ebay had just been launched–you see, a girl’s life isn’t worth more than a $17.95 Barbie doll that dances.  Oh and by the way: no cuts, not buts, no alligator guts.  Simple first grade etiquette.  Learn it, forty-three-year-olds. 

2. Avoidable holes in retail clothing: Remember that scene in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where Paul and Holly rip off a couple of things from the Five and Dime, wearing those silly masks?  It’s because of people pulling crap like that so many of your retail clothes have tiny holes in them–from those stupid anti-shoplifting devices.  I swear, if you go look in your closet and you actually look closely at your clothes, you will notice that some of them have distinct holes where these heavy ink-filled paper weights once hung.  I recently bought a shirt at Forever 21 for a friend for Christmas, and when I brought it home I realized it had a very noticeable hole (about a quarter of an inch in diameter) in the upper back region, right where the pesky device had been pinned.  And what’s more: I had noticed the cashier had folded it in a very strange way earlier (not the way you fold shirts!) and I realized then that she’d folded it so that the hole would be hidden.  All of the other shirts, when I went back, were like this.  How can manufacturers possibly think that this okay?  I know caveat emptor, and I know a lot of these holes can be fixed with simple sewing, but I just feel like the inventor of this shoplifting-prevention device should have realized that his (or her) precious masterpiece weighs like a fucking ton, and drags a hole through anything that’s not made out of pure iron–which is okay for purchasing chastity belts, but everything else is made out of cotton and other non-metal fabrics.  So apparently retail stores lost about $26 billion in shoplifting costs last year, or a previous “last year”, (thanks, Winona Ryder) which means–guess what: somehow people are still shoplifting.  One time I went to buy a pair of pants from Hollister, and admittedly it was very dark which therefore confused me, but when I went to try these pants on, I realized that there were six or seven of the eggshell-coloured buggers stashed away in the pants pockets.  So apparently it’s completely possible to take them off (though of course, there’s still the presence of those annoying holes).  Here’s a brilliant idea–teach your children (or your parents) some fucking manners: please and thank you, etc., and not to steal.  After all, that’s how your precious capitalism works.  With buying shit.

And I realize the hypocrisy of using naughty language, but motherfucker is still very different from motherfucker please. (Except, when it’s sarcasm.)