Ever since that little Cold War, things have still been slightly split between East and West. Sure the crumbling of the Berlin Wall (akin to the great symbolism of the Crumbling of the Bleu Cheese in 1847 in Southern Idaho), did some good, but that iron curtain still’s left filaments everywhere. And it’s not even just with the Cold War that there’s that split. I mean, look at classic witchery: you’ve got the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Wicked Witch of the East. They’re completely different in their public relations policies and political attitudes. And the coasts! If you dressed West Coast to an East Coast prom, you’d end up looking like a complete slut. East Coast to a West Coast prom, they’d think you were set for some cow-milking.
We’ve established the fact that sometimes there are differences between the East and the West. Just as the number seven is different from the number three (at least in most cases), one side is not usually the exact replica of the other. And due to the Rule of Things Being Better, one side’s way of doing things is probably better. Yes, most of the time it’s the West, but we can’t let those guys get it every time.
So I’m sure you’re wondering what fuck I’m talking about. Well, I’ll tell you. And it all stems from the simple metallic cup-shaped object you insist on touching so many times throughout the day, and especially during the night.
The door knob.
Invented in 1874 by Mr. Jonathan Jacob Samuel Nob of Southeastern Nebraska one day while he was randomly throwing cylinders of brass into long slats of wood. He was just trying to pass the time in between crop-circle-analysis and his weekly meatloaf dinner when he picked up his son, Andrew,’s pole that he—Jonathan Jacob Samuel Nob of Southeastern Nebraska—was forced to buy for Andrew’s pole vaulting class. It was a stupid class at the rec center, and Jonathan didn’t understand why Andrew couldn’t be a normal boy, who plays with sticks, and secretly watches his mother undress through the peephole behind the Picasso print, which he made one day while trying to figure out why there were barn animal noises coming from his mother and father’s bedroom, just like he had done when he was a boy. But he thought, it’s boosting his hand-eye coordination, and if anything it gets him out from under my hair for a good four or five hours.
